I often don’t know who to tell. Or even who to talk to. I have a few close friends that I speak with often. But I don’t necessarily TELL them everything. And then I allow my mind to do its own thing with my thoughts…”should I post an update to social media? Nah”. Too much going on in the world. “What do I tell them when they ask me how I am doing?”
The truth. Nah. I don’t lie either. I usually land somewhere in the middle.
I just don’t tell. Everything.
Afterall we all have our own burdens right? And then there is the added heaviness of Covid and the welcomed unrest stirring in the souls of our people. It’s alot. It’s just alot.
But even before recent times. Before international viruses and before our youth took the streets I was quiet. Just didn’t have much to say. Didn’t feel like writing. Didn’t feel like talking. Didn’t really feel. I’ve been quarantined for over a year and half maybe more.. The first half I couldn’t do for myself and depended on others to do just about everything. And the rest was on me to glean from the strength that others so freely gave to begin to stand up on my own two feet.
I’ve become accustomed to and often delight in just being left alone at home.
Time to think. Time to daydream. Time to get to know my body and create a better relationship with my physical, spiritual and mental selves. Time to discover what self love really is.
And then sometimes I am just miserable.
So I wasn’t completely caught off guard when I received the results of my Pet Scan last week. I just didn’t know who to tell. My scan showed some spots on my liver and my bones. My cancer markers went up after a few months of gradually coming down.
Damn. I was doing so well.
So many have prayed, loved on me, given their energy towards my healing that I almost felt like I was disappointing everyone. So I just remained silent.
I don’t really feel like that anymore. I know it is what is it and I just need to keep doing the work, staying on my supplements and following my regiment.
But I look at this as a little knock on the door to tighten up. This was the reminder I needed that this thing is not playing with me.
I’m good though. Going hard and I will not let up this time.
I just needed to tell someone. Thanks for listening.