In 2018 I tried to avoid people as much as possible. In 2019 I was bed ridden and mostly out of it (and on opiods) so not seeing folk was the norm. I felt very insecure about how I looked and moved and for a good period of time (many months) I wasn’t sure if I was coming or going, I would forget conversations midstream and my body was in constant pain and everything else and everyone became a pain. So avoidance seemed the best remedy.
I remember when I was scheduled to moderate at A3C music festival in Atlanta. (photo attached) I sat in my car in the parking deck because I was nauseous and would periodically open the door and deposit everything I ate (or didn’t eat) on the concrete. While in mid stream I looked up and saw someone I knew. Damn. I thought to myself “I hope she didn’t see me.” I resumed my regurgitation.
I was not well trying to play well. I finished throwing up wiped up my face and became presentable for the moment. I got out the car and as I was walking I saw her again. Damn. .I was so embarrassed. I acted liked I didn’t see her again and she seemed to do the same. To this day I still feel a way about my behavior that day. Not the throw up part but me purposely avoiding contact with someone I knew because of how I felt. At that time (in my mind) it was actually easier for me to get on stage, moderate a panel in front of hundreds of people and then exit stage left than it was to face one on one people I knew who also knew that I wasn’t well. Kinda petty eh?
Learning to do better. 2020.